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A quick guide to Definitely Real Rumors, Jan. 2018 edition

An update on the Donovan deal, Argentine legend to MLS, and other rumors that could be true (but definitely aren’t)

MLS: Seattle Sounders FC at Real Salt Lake Jeff Swinger-USA TODAY Sports

Man, silly season is just reaching its midpoint and the first half has been super silly. Like a “Netflix making a sequel to Bright” kind of ridiculousness. The top two domestic number tens in MLS were both shipped away for kings’ ransoms of monopoly money, Kyle Beckerman shaved his locks, disappeared on a vision quest to Wendover (according to me), and has subsequently returned (according to Mike Petke), and Perry Kitchen is back! The best part of silly season is the rumors, and the best thing about rumors is that anyone can make them up. With that in mind, here are three rumors I’ve come across by diligently keeping my ear to the ground and believing everything I hear.

The league has finally approved the Landon Donovan to RSL move

Yes, after more than a year of deliberation the league finally gave the go ahead for LegenD to suit up in Claret and Cobalt. Unfortunately the permission came with the condition that Real Salt Lake would also take on another former star winger, Freddy Adu for marketing purposes (something about one million Adu bobbleheads cluttering up league offices). Craig Waibel declined, leading Donovan free to potentially join Leon in Liga MX instead. “Donavan winning an award that I named after him would’ve been ridiculous anyways,” MLS commisioner Don Garber said while stroking his cat, staring at the New York sky line, and daydreaming about new player acquisition mechanisms.

Messi to MLS???

In order to recoup the millions spent on a player who legally can’t help Barcelona win the Champions League, Barcelona has accepted a transfer offer from LAFC for Argentine star Lionel Messi. However, the Colorado Rapids currently have ownership of Messi’s discovery rights and have refused to part with them for any sum. When asked if they had immediate plans to sign the former ballon d’or winner, new coach Anthony Hudson cited concerns with Messi’s attacking mentality and nose for goal. “Scoring goals has never been what Rapids soccer is about, and I’m not about to come in and try to change that.”

Red Bulls refusing to practice?

There was confusion in Harrison yesterday when players arrived for an offseason training session, but never exited the changing rooms. Jesse March found his players hiding in the locker room in a state of distress, the area in disarray and a limp armband sitting in the middle of the floor. Upon further investigation it was determined that all players refused to wear the captain’s armband for fears they’d immediately be traded to the worst team in the Eastern Conference. “If it can happen to Dax and Sacha it can happen to anyone,” said young phenom Tyler Adams with a shrug. Players eventually made their way to the field, except Bradley Wright-Phillips who was seen rocking back and forth with his head in his hands whispering “24, 27, 24, 27” until he was escorted from the premises by team personnel.