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RSL must emulate D.C. United’s Wayne Rooney grab and sign an aging former star

Let’s not have this week’s foes taking all the fun for themselves.


D.C. United is signing Wayne Rooney, or so we hear. Is it true? I don’t know. Ask Black and Red United.

What I’m more interested is how Real Salt Lake can pick up on this valuable trend that this week’s opponent has enacted.


Ben Smith

There’s no bigger name in football than Ronaldo, one of the most decorated athletes to play the game. He’s a player that has transcended football and is a media icon, bringing eyes that would otherwise never have seen the game of football. With Utah now being home to the greatest footballing complex in America, there’s no better time to sign up the 41 year old Brazilian striker and Inter Milan legend Ronaldo Luís Nazário de Lima. Wait, what do you mean not that Ronaldo?

Tony Adams

Ben Smith

When it comes to central defenders, there’s nothing that can beat experience. Everybody knows that defenders peak the later they get into their career and if RSL is really going to be on the cutting edge of football philosophy then we need to start to make some revolutionary moves. Arsenal and England legend Tony Adams has 51 years of experience, which is 12 months more than Justen Glad and Marcelo Silva combined! We would be foolish not to tap into that knowledge and show the world that age doesn’t diminish the ability to make overly aggressive two footed tackles and then blame the other player for being soft.

Oliver Kahn

Ryan Kelly

Nick Rimando can’t play forever. When he finally hangs it up, there’s nobody better suited to replace him than “Der Titan”. The FC Bayern Munich and Germany National Team legend is a shot-stopper beyond compare, and would be a great mentor for Connor Sparrow. Until he’s ready, Kahn is the ideal choice for the next decade of clean sheets for RSL.

Joe Cole

Matt Montgomery

While my comrades here have chosen players that, well, aren’t playing soccer any more, I’ve gone bold here. Let’s pick up a player that’s still playing soccer. 36-year-old Joe Cole used to play for Chelsea. You know, that one. The good one. As an attacking player, he scored once every six games or so, which is approximately a lot more often than me, who has never played professional soccer. He’s even playing in the U.S. for Tampa Bay Rowdies, so we wouldn’t have to worry about a work permit. Is he still good? Well, I still remember his name, so that has to count for something!

Frank Lampard

Matt Montgomery

It’s not every day that you get to sign a player that definitively didn’t work out in MLS before, but we shouldn’t be so closed-minded about that. We also shouldn’t be closed-minded about “retirement,” because we’ve heard that one before. Yeah, Michael Jordan. You heard me. (He pushed off, you know.)

Freddy Adu

Matt Montgomery

It’s time we brought the biggest name in professional American soccer back to its biggest professional league. Freddy Adu is best known for having once been 14 (though I’m not famous for having been 14, so I’m not sure what the big deal was), and he did once play at our little old club. If we want the fans singing his name again, he has to be brought back. Can he still play at any acceptable level? I don’t know, but he’s only 28, and certainly some 28-year-olds can play soccer very well.